The Secret to a Good Breakup
Updated: Oct 8, 2019
And how to talk about your feelings if a breakup is the last thing you want.
It’s a weird-ass concept, isn’t it?
Essentially what you’re saying when you date someone is- I think you’re spectacular and I want you in my life.
But there’s an un-explainable magical factor that makes someone THE person you want to partner with for the foreseeable future. And if you realize at a certain point that the person you’ve chosen is not that person, that doesn’t just flip a switch to make you no longer want them in your life. You chose that person specifically, out of all the other people in your life, to have a more intimate relationship with. And now an acknowledgment that the magic unknowable something isn’t there means that everything you’ve had and enjoyed together gets cut off completely?
It really, really sucks.
And nobody comes out of that without a little bit of pain or self-doubt, even in the most amicable of breakups.
They say people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
We learn different things from each person and here’s what I’ve learned so far:
Stop beating around the bush about the impermanent nature of relationships.
Start initiating conversations and check-ins really early on about how you feel it’s going. I do this now because I just got so sick of wondering how they’re feeling and of keeping my own feelings tucked away. I’d rather someone tell me, “I don’t know yet if I see us together forever but I care about you a lot and I’ll let you know if that changes” than spend years wondering and waiting to be able to show my full feelings.
Not talking plainly about it adds all this unnecessary pressure and makes you feel alone when you’re supposed to be in it together. Signals get crossed, assumptions get made, and suddenly, it’s impossible to feel close to this person you feel like you’ve been hiding something from.
I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve broken hearts, and I’ve been abused. But I’ve learned so much from each of these relationships and I think the most important thing I’ve learned is what I’m sharing with you right now.